Sandwich Monday: The Wrecking Ball

By Ian Chillag

Published February 24, 2014 at 1:26 PM CST

A fast-food secret menu is like Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start for eating: Once you know that it exists, it changes your life for the better, forever. We've explored such menus before, and today we try something from the secret menu at Potbelly Sandwich Shop: the Wrecking Ball. Ham, turkey, roast beef and salami, with meatballs, cheese and mayonnaise.

Miles: This is perfect for the person with a lot of derelict buildings inside their stomach and no way to remove them.

Robert: Mmmmm, this hamurkeefalamiball is much more impressive than a turducken.

Ian: Usually with a meatball sub, the bread gets all soggy. But this is brilliant —the cold cuts act as a little Meat Raincoat!

If the animals in this sandwich were alive, this would be considered a stampede.

Ian: Weird how it's topped with mayo and a wriggling Miley Cyrus.

Mike: It's delicious, but now I have a cold sore.

Eva: This sandwich comes with chips and a side of molly.

This pose is known as the Robertsana, or Weeping Biter.

Miles: Employees have their own secret menu for people who order off the secret menu. It includes things like "Spit Sandwich" and "The No. 2 with Chips."

Ian: Ugh, the secret menu was one thing, but I just accidentally got a look at Potbelly's Victoria's Secret Menu.

Proper disgusting sandwich etiquette demands you point your pinkie.

Robert: Whatever you say about Potbelly's, I like a restaurant that's honest about what it does to my body. I also like to eat at "Cankles" and "Muffintops."

Ian: I love a secret menu. I can't decide between "sometimes I fantasize about killing my boss" and "I have another secret family in the suburbs."

Robert: The Wrecking Ball is great, but I think I might have been better off with the Controlled Implosion.

Miles: It takes twice as long to order anything off the secret menu, because you have to do it in a strained whisper.

Ian: But really, this is delicious. There's no reason to keep it on the secret menu. The McCannibal on the other hand, yeah, they should keep quiet about that.

[The verdict: a delicious sandwich, and the thrill of ordering off the secret menu is like another dollop of sauce.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!