For some reason, it was the pigs that pushed me over the edge.
I don’t need to tell you the whole story because you probably already know the basics. I only know that after interviewing Congressman Dusty Johnson on Monday's show about the plight of hog producers in South Dakota, I lost it. I started crying. I couldn’t stop. (Hello, warning sign.)
Asking South Dakota producers to “depopulate” thousands of animals is like asking people to burn down their own houses with their pets inside. It’s a horror show. No stimulus check is ever gonna make that better.
Asking food production workers to return to the job and risk their lives for their paychecks and our dinners is like … never mind. I’ve run out of analogies for how much this pandemic sucks.
Yes, I have things to say about how so many of our industries operate with zero margins, about how much of our lives operate with zero margins. I’ve got my own opinions about how we got into this mess. But right now, I’m not sure anyone needs to hear the opinions of a radio host. You want opinions? You can find thousands online. Hit refresh. Find thousands more.
The point here is that I fell apart, more than a little bit. The news is grim. The choices are horrible. And so, I turned off the microphone and let myself unravel. People keep telling me to “unplug.” But I don’t want to be distracted. I want to be better. I want all of us to be better.
So, I’m doing what I always do when I don’t know what else to do. I’m writing. I’m writing the words that I need to hear. I’m sharing my list, because I’m guessing you might know someone who needs to hear these things too.
1. It’s appropriate to be upset.
Feeling the despair and anger and grief of this time means you are in touch with your emotions, and that’s a very good thing, painful though it may be. I’m sorry you are suffering, but I’d be more worried if you were numb to the suffering around you. The world desperately needs your sensitivity right now and being the person who weeps is a valuable addition to the work of humanity in this particular moment.
2. Yes, somebody should have been paying attention.
You know that rage you are feeling about how this shouldn’t be happening? It’s totally valid. People screwed up, and in an epic way. We’ll be unpacking it for years to come. But what you are also raging against is the deeply personal nature of this tragedy.
The anger and sadness you feel is for the displaced worker, the desperate business owner, the child who has slipped ever so quietly through the cracks, the mother tending to her own mother while she works from her kitchen table after a sleepless night sitting up with her anxious toddler. All that anger and sadness amplifies (and sometimes obscures) what you are feeling for your own life.
And yes I know you don’t have it as “bad off” as so many others, thank you for reminding us. But you are a human being who longs to be seen and understood and validated and nurtured just like everyone else. So it would have been nice if someone had recognized your particular flavor of difficult and made a plan to help you through it. I’m sorry that didn’t happen for you in a way you recognized. Let’s work on changing that.
3. You are more than your job/paycheck/relationship/performance.
So many things in our world have “stopped” but haven’t actually “slowed down.” Workflow continues, expectations continue, buying groceries got harder. You happen to be in one of those jobs/relationships/programs that got harder in very specific ways. Don’t pretend it didn’t. Don’t let anyone else pretend it didn’t.
You have worth and value outside of your performance. I know you know that. But it’s nice to hear it anyway, right? Go ahead and lower your expectations. Then lower them some more. You are enough.
4. You do not have to weigh your need for a break with other people’s need for breaks. You just need to take a break.
I know it feels selfish to step away. I know when you step away you get blasted from all sides the moment you plug back in. And I know when you step away it feels as if other people have to carry your work for you and you are only adding to their stress, and someone will probably make sure you know how tired they are after helping you out. If that’s not the situation then it’s probably that other people will race ahead without you and you fear forever remaining behind.
Step away anyway. Remember our earlier conversation about margins? It turns out we actually need them.
Not-so-random-story: You know how public restrooms often have a garbage can near the door so people can use a paper towel to open the door handle when exiting and then toss that paper towel away? They didn’t used to be there. Garbage cans used to be placed only near the sinks. You know why so many ended up near the doors to bathrooms? Because people started throwing paper towels on the floor.
Throw your proverbial paper towel on the floor. Take the day off. Eventually a solution will become clear, and that solution might be as easy as moving a garbage can a few feet in the direction where it is needed.
5. Stories of agony and accountability matter. You know what else matters? The beautiful/hilarious/adorable/miraculous.
Remember that rainbow you saw this weekend when you went for a drive and you could see each individual color as bold as boldness can be?
Remember how that doctor said we are getting better at treating this disease and people are spending fewer days in the hospital?
Remember how that person you love more than life itself made you laugh even when you were determined not to laugh?
Focus on those things. Let beauty and light push you toward a different edge. Go tumbling over that ledge, if only for one lovely, luminous moment.
Yes. This moment. Let’s just sit here together for now. Isn’t it something?
